Staff Newsletter | Tuesday, June 7, 2022
“Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil, cling to what is good.” – Romans 12:9
A few weeks ago, I found myself watching a movie that was popular over 30 years ago. I remember it being pretty good at the time, but on this occasion, I watched it in a much different light. While it was released as a comedy, some of the jokes were clearly from a different era and would probably not be very funny to today’s audience. I was particularly struck by the narrative in one of the scenes where a crime boss was berating his team for their ineptitude. I realized I had used some of that very same language, and where the expressions were once intended to be funny, they might not be received that way today. In fact, as I personally experienced a few years ago, they were anything but funny to someone I was addressing.
Growing up in New York, it was very common to hear language that used expressions of violence, such as “I am going to smack you upside of the head” when you were letting someone know they better not mess up; it was typically said with people you knew well and never intended to be threatening. A few months into the pandemic, I used that very same expression when addressing a group of employees, one of whom was traumatized by my message. As I walked through the process with human resources and the executive committee of the board, I learned a great deal about myself and the power of words. At first, I was extremely defensive, declaring I had worked with this person for a number of years and had what I thought to be a very good working relationship. What I learned, though, was that words matter. Once I got past my defensiveness, I realized I needed to see it through the person’s eyes on the receiving end of my delivery.
It is possible I have uttered a similar phrase since that incident, but I honestly cannot remember it. I do know that because of the trauma I caused someone, I am extremely careful about my communication. For one, I think hard about how my words might be received, particularly when there is any chance they might be hurtful. As was the case with the words I used in the prior incident, I was not aware they might be perceived as threatening because that was not the intention. But therein lies the challenge. Because I grew up in a neighborhood where language like this was common, I was blind to the fact that others might see it differently. At first, I was upset this person did not come to me and instead went to human resources to communicate their pain and suffering; however, looking back, I understand it better and feel grateful I was forced to confront something about myself that I otherwise would not have been aware. I feel it has helped me be more thoughtful of others’ feelings, especially if my words or actions could cause someone else pain.
A couple of weeks ago, I set aside a portion of the Staying Connected call to allow staff to share how they were feeling after the mass shooting incidents that had occurred over the previous few days (at the time, it was Buffalo, New York, and Laguna Hills, California). Personally, these events have shaken me and I hear similar sentiments from others. I believe it is important for us, as an organization, to allow space for individuals to share their feelings and view it as a source of comfort or validation as you hear what your peers are feeling. This time was also intended as a means to strengthen us as a team, as I believe there should be more to our work at the Y than just performing tasks. We celebrate together but we also grieve together, and hopefully find support from one another. We spend a lot of time together and we are facing some incredibly daunting circumstances. Being able to talk about what is going on around us in the world and how we are feeling about it can only strengthen us and enrich us as individuals and as an organization.
Though I intended the discussion to allow space to share how each of us might have been impacted by the specific events that occurred, I realized I did not clearly define the parameters for the discussion and the comments veered in a different direction. There were a number of people on the call significantly impacted by the recent events, which have aroused fear for themselves, their families, and their loved ones, but they did not find safety or support from our discussion. What was intended to be a time to bring us closer together, through an honest and transparent sharing of feelings, resulted in a session that left people feeling minimized, or dismissed. Though many shared experiences with respect to discrimination, we did not focus on the impact the specific recent events have had, nor did we acknowledge how our own team might be feeling from what had occurred. As a result, those who were impacted felt that they did not matter.
During one of the recent events, African Americans were targeted and gunned down in Buffalo. The very next day, I walked out of the Tacoma Center Y with one of my closest friends in the world who happens to be black, and we were confronted by someone who screamed racial slurs at my friend. I was both angry and scared. Another very good friend of mine, whose wife is Asian American, shared with me he is distraught because his wife is too afraid to go out of the house. I am in disbelief that we are living in 2022 and these situations are going on in our country.
I can read about these events and share that discrimination and hate are horrible, but it is important to share how I feel and that others will listen. How does it feel that people I love are impacted by this ugliness? How does it make me feel that my loved ones are in constant fear they will be on the receiving end of hate at any time and/or they are not safe. I need to pay close attention to what is going on around me and how it is impacting others, not just how it is impacting me. I need to understand how I can be an ally and be part of the solution.
Thank you all for being part of our Y, and for your commitment to make this a better world in which to live.
#OneY #StayStrong #StayWithUs